Starting from the evidence of the 2002 NPC and 2003 Super 12, which proved conclusively that when Dirty Scumbag Waikato rugby is strong the Chiefs are a hapless pack of inept rabble, we argue the case for more Bay of Plenty Steamers players in the Chiefs.

For those who are too lazy to read on for the rationale, we’ll summarise at the start:

Bay of Plenty players who should be in the Chiefs starting lineup:

First Five: Glen Jackson
Loosehead prop: Simms Davison
Second Five: Grant McQuoid
Number 8: Clayton MacMillan

Bay of Plenty players who should be on the Chiefs bench:

Front row cover: Ben Castle
Hooker cover: Aleki Lutui
Loose forward cover: Wayne Ormond
Halfback: Kevin Senio

Bay of Plenty players who should be in the Chiefs squad:

Openside: Nili Latu
Centre/outside back cover: Alan Bunting

"Outrageous!" we hear you cry. "Ridiculous!" I hear you fume. "How can there possibly be so many non-Waikato players in the Chiefs squad???" Well sod off Gary Dawson, we didn’t expect a logical or coherent response from a Dirty Scumbag Waikato official… although we are awaiting with much interest to see how you’ll explain away Waikato finishing effectively 3rd equal and the Steamers 5th yet you and your cronies stuffing as many Waikato plodders in the Chiefs as possible...

Anyway!! Enough of this, now for time for some in-depth analysis of our BOP lad’s chances...

Glen Jackson: Well, at least he’s been in the Chiefs before, but even then not commanding vast amounts of game time, this could be ascribed possibly to his shoes not being the right size, or that Kevin Greene is a rabid goat that would have trouble picking up his children from school, let alone a rugby team, however…One thing that Jackson does lack compared to David Hill is the ability to miss goals that actually matter and having more than a one-dimensional attacking method consisting of running at the opposition 1st-5 in an effort to steam-roll him and fall over the line.

Simms Davison: Might struggle to replace Collins, as the Chiefs have long been noted to select props that can’t scrummage, nor get involved in rucks and mauls. Also had the cheek to hold his own against an Otago all ex-All Black front row and be remarkably mobile around the field and on defense. Also seen making tackles and not swanning around in the back-line unlike the usual Chiefs suspects, will be lucky to make the bench.

Grant McQuiod: Again like Davison might struggle to replace the incumbent Mark Ranby whose form while sitting in the stands has been exceptional. Has shown a real eye for the gaps in the food queues and the timing of his clapping has been nothing short of exceptional. Has also shown great passion by smiling on the odd occasion when Waikato score a try and a real work ethic by shifting over a seat to let his mates sit next to him instead of making them climb over a row - a real team man who skills will no doubt be hard to replace on the rugby field. McQuoid on the other hand has only been scoring tries and tearing defenses to shreds, which are no doubt hardly enough to warrant selection. Nor do we expect Dirty Scumbag Gary Dawson to remember such precedents as the Chiefs fate of the injured Nick Collins in 2002...

Clayton McMillan: Showed exceptional form and leadership this season but alas lacks the stylish goatee that Muir had which will no doubt be used to select Bates instead, who despite his complete lack of facial hair drinks Waikato and has an unfortunate nick-name that can always be used to get a laugh at practice.

Ben Castle: Again suffers from the same problems as Simms Davison and isn’t anywhere near old & decrpit enough and coming to the end of his career like his counterparts Briggs and Collins. Needs to slow down a little and stop pushing so damn hard in those scrums before Fozzie will consider him...

Aleki Lutui: Will be competing head on with Greg Smith for the 2nd hookers role now that Willis is coming up from Otago. Obviously if your going to have a hooker on the bench it pays to make sure he’s an impact player. Lutui, with his go-forward, aggressive running and nose for the try-line is nothing that you want in an impact player. Smith on the other hand goes out of his way to clean the bottom of people’s sprigs with his head and hits the advantage line with a ferocity that would make a pile of wet blankets proud. Smith also has many years of inept lineout throwing performances behind him and also doesn’t push in scrums – an essential ingredient for any Waikato prospective front row forward. Don’t even mention Scott "Mini-me" Linklater. Sadly we expect that Lutui will probably be consigned to the draft and probably score a number of tries against the Chiefs while playing for his foster franchise...

Wayne Ormond: A big angry man that used to make a living behind a chainsaw, he obviously is soft and needs to harden up and go to University. That’s where all the hard men come form these days, straight of those tough campuses and from the exerting bustle of being a student, yes he really needs to join the ranks of the real men and get himself a student loan. His swearing needs work also if he wants to get up to the same class as Jonno Gibbs...

Kevin Senio: Suffers from the fact that he doesn’t play the Chiefs style of halfback play, he needs to slow his clearance’s from the rucks, concentrate on running slower and leave those dummy passes that leave opposition halfbacks flat on their back-sides while dotting down over the line untouched for the party tricks at the end of the game. Doesn’t get crunched in the tackle like Duggan does running from the base of the ruck and turnover possession. Will again probably be consigned to the draft and provide the clever flick pass inside for Lutui to score off against the Chiefs in round 6...

Nili Latu: Absolutely fearless player that throws his body about the place with little regard to his personal (or others) safety, again obviously soft and needs some time hitting the books instead of opposition players in the tackle. Couch will probably be selected; again it’s the unfortunate surname that makes for a few laughs at practice making his selection in the team oh so vital...

Alan Bunting: Refer to the "Nick Collins" precedence yet again... which should mean no return for the overated-injury-attracting-as-fearsome-on-attack-as-a-three-year-old Mark Ranby, suggesting room for another midfield utility cover. Can anyone remember who the wingers were for Waikato this year other than converted fullback Loki Cricton? No? Well Buntings skill with ball in hand, pace that saw him make the National 7's squad, and strong defense make him an excellent candidate to be a cover for 2nd five out to the wing, cover the Chiefs really need.. Expect to see some lemon like Matt Priscott womble his way into the Chiefs instead though...

Ian and Gary – The Mafia is watching...